Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
