I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
