I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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