I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
