I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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