oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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