how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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