I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Less talking, more tequila
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
