Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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