Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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