I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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