I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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