He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
