My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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