Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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