mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
