The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize