If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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