I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
