You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
