Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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