shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I AM VODKA MAN
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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