Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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