bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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