rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
