is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I got her a Nickelback box set.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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