How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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