Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
