i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
