I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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