Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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