i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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