I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
