i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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