Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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