I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
