walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
