i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
