Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
