Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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