I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
