listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I look better un-naked...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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