I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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