Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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