i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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