Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
