I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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