Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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