new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
