Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize