for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
vagina is talking i cant
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
