between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
