I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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