She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
