I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
