i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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