I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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