mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
