someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
