I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
