so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize