Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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