my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
