ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize