i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize