This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
